White Noise

Mom! Stop humming!

It seems I’m always singing or talking out loud to myself. Sometimes it’s a conscious activity: practising a choir song, committing one to memory, singing at the piano. More often, though, it’s unconscious: an ongoing refrain filling my mind. 

Oops! Sorry. I didn’t realize I was humming. 

That’s actually not true. I am fully aware of the ongoing songs filling my mind. When they stop, I quickly turn on an audiobook. I’ve read almost two a week. Good thing the library has a good selection!

I tried doing some yoga the other day. I was very diligent through 2021, joined a guided yoga class almost daily. But the last few months, I haven’t been able to do any. Anyway, I went to pull the yoga mat out and before I could grab it I was filled with anxiety. My agitation was so strong, I knew I couldn’t do it.

I thought that resigning from the college would give me all the time I needed — and the emotional capacity — to get this book written. But I can’t even sit at the computer. I mean, email is no problem. My Board work is easy: reviewing materials,  attending meetings. Even the HR issue that came up last week was straightforward and easy for me to resolve. And I mean easy in the terms of my cognitive ability and ability to function.

When I open Scrivener, however, it’s a different story. I see the topics I’ve outlined and I’m immediately overwhelmed. My coach recommended I simply write about what comes to mind and let the book write itself. So, I started writing another blog post but then I had to stop.

I turned on my audiobook and sat down with a cup of tea.

I am afraid to think. It’s too much and I thought the resignation would open up space. Instead, it has brought up all the emotions I felt when I first left the college on medical leave three years ago. I’m terrified to dwell too long on these topics again. 

So, I busy my mind with music or someone else’s stories.

One thought on “White Noise”

  1. Wow. I had no idea that this was happening! I am so glad that you have some coping strategies to deal with this.

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